


This Rift Between Us

by DragonFire44



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Emotional, Gen, This Is Sad, Words left unsaid, i am still terrible at tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26260792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonFire44/pseuds/DragonFire44
Summary: “We used to tell each other everything. When did we start keeping secrets?” Natsu queried.
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel & Lucy Heartfilia
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	This Rift Between Us

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own, just the story  
> I could not get this to come out quite the way I wanted. This has been revised a fair bit. I finally have something I’m relatively happy with. Ultimately I’m tired of messing with it. And I let it sit and rather have it continue to do so, I’m positing it.

Lucy sighed quietly as she finished putting her hair up into a tail; her hair was so long now it was honestly better not having it loose. A distant boom reached her, the storm was growing, and it would most likely rain soon. Hopefully the power didn’t go out; she was hoping to get some work done on her story for a while.

Her eyes closed briefly before she planted her hands firmly against her knees and pushed up. She adjusted her green tank briefly, casting a brief glance at her light brown shorts. 

As she left the bathroom she grabbed the pale blue shirt that now bore a tear – thanks drunken Cana; and a light rap at her door stilled her ire.

She swiftly walked the scant distance and gently grasped the brown knob wondering who it could possibly be. Usually her friends just invaded her room – and usually when she wasn’t already here; or worse while she slept.

She jerked the door open harder then she intended due to her current thoughts, brown orbs locking onto, “Natsu?”

There for the first time ever; Natsu stood at her door, knocking like a normal person. 

Had the world ended?

She had long since lost count how many times she’d told him to not use the window only to be blatantly ignored. 

Even stranger was the solemn look he sported and melancholy air surrounding him? She wondered if she was really reading that right. It was Natsu after all. She didn’t think anything could keep Natsu down; not for long at least. It was practically inconceivable. 

“You’re back!” She voiced with utter delight. She glanced behind him, noting the lack of blue, “no Happy?”

Natsu merely shook his head and Lucy deflated a little, but pressed on, “did you get challenged to actually use the door for once?” She watched his eyebrow tick slightly at the comment, but otherwise his face didn’t change. She couldn’t tell if that was annoyance at her calling out the challenge or at her suggestion of it being one.

She giggled lightly and added “I’m sure the reward would be food if so.” She stepped back, pulling the door farther; a silent invitation to enter. 

He moved; quietly at that, so that he was in front of her white book case, his eyes taking in the small changes since he’d last been here. He wore his usual black outfit, showing off toned muscle and the x – shaped scar with the orange ribbon around his waist. And the typical white baggy pants. 

Why couldn’t he wear more form fitting ones? She thought it was such a waste that he didn’t. The room was slowly warming due to his higher than normal temperature. If the power went out, she wondered if she’d get him to crash here without Happy.

“Are you hungry? I just got back so I haven’t eaten yet myself. So it’s no problem.” She chirped, rather excited at the prospect. While she didn’t like him and Happy coming over all the time and stealing her food – she wouldn’t mind just sitting down to eat with him, especially with no Happy to be his annoying cat self. 

Natsu glanced at her before shaking his head lightly. 

A steady trickle of alarm was starting to ping. She shuffled slightly awkwardly towards her bed with her cozy pink comforter, so that her brown square desk was somewhat between them.

Trying to keep the growing unease at bay, she asked with levity, “you up for a mission?” Just the thought of going on one with him had an instant smile spread almost like lightning, “it’s been way too long since we’ve gone on one.” Heck she was certain they hadn’t been on a team mission or just them since before Tartaros. 

Keen on a job with just her best friend, even if Happy was an automatic tag along – she’d take it, “we could even do one without the team!” She clasped her hands together with sparkly eyes, ignoring the now crumpled shirt. She was practically bouncing at the building prospect.  
“Hmm, I think Erza had plans with MiraJane anyways.”

“You need rent money?” Natsu inquired.

Lucy’s arms dropped in shock, her gaze focusing on the dragon-slayers flat expression. That was not something Natsu would just say – not like that.

Not like it was almost a chore to him – or that she was being money greedy…

She worked her mouth, her sudden burst of elation sizzling up like smoke.

She bit her lip; her hyper active friend had for once in all the time she’d known him used the door. Which he’d always acted as if he was allergic to doing so. 

“Natsu?” she queried softly, hesitantly.

He wasn’t being loud; in fact he’d barely spoken a word so far. She hadn’t even seen a single grin from him. Natsu not smiling; – who was like the epitome of radiance. It was all kinds of wrong.

He hadn’t even greeted her…

Something was clearly bothering her pink haired best friend. 

She gripped tighter to the forgotten shirt in her hand, swallowing down her growing anxiety, her eyes resting on the rug she’d found pretty cheap. She should try looking for one with more color. She briefly touched her celestial keys at her side, hoping for strength. 

In the ensuing silence where it seemed like Natsu was gathering his thoughts she started, “so,” mouth twitching – should she just keep smiling? While wondering how she should approach this. Natsu had come to her so surely he’d bring it up, “how was your trip?”

She wasn’t sure where he and Happy had gone, he hadn’t taken a mission. But a month after the end of the war and after helping with some repairs Natsu and let everyone know he was leaving for awhile. He’d been gone for eight months. 

At least this time he hadn’t just left a letter; which honestly had been more of a note saying he would be gone for a year, training. She willed down the familiar burn of resentment.

The silence stretched.

“Na-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The words came out soft, but held such a tone of anguish and hurt that her eyes jerked up to his face with a cut off gasp. Her torn shirt fluttered to the ground as her shock made her fingers feel nerveless. 

Olive eyes usually so vibrant with laughter and life stared at her with a closed off expression. His stare was hard, flat. He’d never given her such a look before. With a pallid face she clenched her hands tightly at her sides; she didn’t even need to ask what he meant. 

She was utterly stupefied though as to how he’d even noticed. It made no sense! He hadn’t even known the first time until he was told and then it was demonstrated for him to believe.

Her heart sped up and she swallowed, she should have told him before he left. But she hadn’t and now, somehow he’d realized. 

Because he had she could clearly infer this was no mere guess, not with his expression and voice.

“Lucy?” Natsu voiced imploringly picking up on her increased heart rate; because he’d had months to realize. Lucy would have known immediately. 

Even though deep down a part of him had to have known; he just hadn’t wanted to contemplate it; hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it. Hadn’t wanted to accept it… because then…

Besides he’d talked himself into believing that if it was true Lucy would have told him. She was his best friend after all. They told each other everything.

“I-I meant to,” Luck stuttered out, cringing because that was mostly not true, she’d thought about it but couldn’t bring herself to tell him.  
He’s eyes narrowed a tad and she wondered if she’d given off some kind of tell. It wasn’t like Natsu could hear her thoughts, and her racing pulse wouldn’t tell him anything.

“Meant too,” Natsu deadpanned, as he crossed his arms over his chest. 

She nodded slowly unsure if he was calling her out or if it was just coming off that way. “It’s just with the war over and repairs needing done and people recovering I – I…” She grimaced, swallowing tightly past the slowly forming lump and took a deep breath. Calm, she needed to calm down. She rubbed her hands together and took a deep calming breath. 

She locked gazes with beautiful green, “I didn’t want to bring up any bad news. I mean the war was over. Yes, we lost people, And Master Markrov,” she cut off abruptly; she would never forget seeing Laxus carrying the tiny form of their Master in his powerful arms.

“But we had survived and I didn’t want to - to tarnish…” 

She trailed off at the tightening of Natsu’s frown, his posture going stiff as a board. She bit her lip and waited. The tension in the air felt so thick she wouldn’t be surprised if Natsu could light it on fire and burn it. 

She gripped her hands tighter, knowing that her knuckles were white from the strain, the plunge was coming she could sense it. She just hoped they’d come out on the other side the same.

“I didn’t leave right away Lucy. I even announced I was planning to leave three days after the war; in a month.”

She flinched at the hard anger in his tone and she brought her hands up to clasp in front of her, trying to will the trembling to stop. 

Meaning she’d had time to tell him.

She stared at that unrelenting face and a hot boiling anger surged in her. 

She scoffed loudly, a glare snapping onto her face as she jerked her arm out in seething rage, “At least you announced it this time! At least you had the common decency to tell me to my face this time!”

Surprise flashed briefly across the tan face, his arms dropping to his sides before a scowl took over. He’d gotten the vibe about this upon their reunion after being gone a year, even though they had never addressed that can of worms.

Didn’t they tell each other everything? 

“If I had told you in person you would have cried.” He fisted a hand to prevent from reaching up and gripping his scarf. He couldn’t stand seeing her cry. 

“SO!?” Lucy snapped, as she shifted in place, her hands landing on her hips. “What kind of excuse is that!?”

“I wouldn’t have been able to leave,” Natsu ground out. Or worse she might have asked to come with, and he just couldn’t. He’d needed to get away. 

She should have understood that.

“Besides,” Natsu was quick to voice when Lucy looked ready to start yelling some more; “you still should have told me something so important! It -” He floundered for a moment, searching rapidly for the right words. 

“It affects me!” he snarled.

Lucy fumed. What happened after Tartaros was important too. “I needed you Natsu!” she thru her arms skyward. “And you left! Without even waiting a day!”

His eyes darkened into slits and she jerked back a step her heart missing a beat. 

“It’s not like you told me then what happened to Aquarius’s key!” He snarled in turn.

“How could I!?” She raged, “You left in a day!”

“You could have said something when we had those spare moments in there! Or when I even said ‘I don’t know how you did it, but you saved us all!’” 

Natsu paused, then added much quieter. “You choose not to say anything.”

She crossed her arms across her chest, pressing her trembling lips together. He looked so forlorn. 

That was unfortunately indisputable true.

“You’re my best friend Natsu.” How could he not see how much pain she was in? Sure she hadn’t been blatant. But she’d been hurting so much that she just hadn’t been fully able to hide it. She’d been drowning. She felt like she was waving her arms and yelling at the top of her lungs, and yet all around her no one even looked at her.

“You should have been able to tell. You’ve always been good at that.” She whispered. 

Fire sparked up his arms and Lucy stumbled back, hitting the side of her bed. She didn’t think Natsu was going to hit her, certainly not with his flames. And yet, this quiet anger was terrifying.

“Her key,” Natsu stressed with a sharp growl, “was broken. She wasn’t dead.” He stared into brown orbs that always reminded him of chocolate and resisted the urge of stalking towards her. Wanting to grab her and just shake her.

Because how dare she…

“I couldn’t ever see her again,” Lucy whispered as she breathed shallowly, leaning hard against the head board of the bed. When she had learned of breaking the key she had been horrified. And when she had actually broken it – she’d despaired. 

And when the fighting was over?

Natsu – her best friend had left her. Then the guild had been disbanded all in the same day. And she had been alone. 

Natsu closed his eyes and forced himself to just breathe; because otherwise he was going to do something he’d regret.

“It wasn’t like you couldn’t still communicate with her. I’m sure you could have exchanged letters – I guarantee your other spirits would have been more than happy to do such a thing.”

He growled at her when he saw her lips part, she was quick to snap them shut, “plus it wasn’t like they couldn’t tell you how she was doing – and vice versa even if letters were impossible. But they can bring spirit clothes here – I’d be damn shocked if paper couldn’t also!”

He took a step towards her, his arms trembling at his sides, and he watched her wilt.

“Igneel died Lucy; killed by Acnologia.” He skirted the chair and paused before her, “I couldn’t ever talk to him again. And I’d been looking for him for years. And you knew that.”

His chest burned a mix of deep seething anger and lingering despair, his heart constantly felt like it was being constricted; he felt like he was suffocating. He’d finally found his dad and he’d lost him in the same day. Finding him and been his sole goal for years. 

And Lucy – who was supposed to be his best friend, was acting like her broken key was more important. Like not telling her he was leaving in person was more important. 

The utter audacity.

“Besides, that key was a Zodiac. It was special. It wouldn’t have made any damn sense if it stayed broken since it was part of a set!”

Lucy cringed not wanting to hear such words and couldn’t hold his gaze. She wanted so badly to say that letters were not the same as in person, and yet she was being super selfish by saying – by implying that her pain was more important than Natsu’s. She knew that and yet it still hurt. 

As for her key, well she’d never thought it could be fixed…

Natsu had left for a year…

She’d had that year when she was working at the magazine to think and contemplate a lot of things. 

She hadn’t ever planned on bringing this up with Natsu. Because logically she knew Natsu was hurting. After all, his dad had died. It was common sense. And the little slight she’d felt at his stupid letter shouldn’t have been important. She’d made it so when the guild had disbanded and everyone had left her behind. 

She’d resented that Natsu hadn’t told her in person. That she had lost Aquarius’s key and that…

How had she compared his dad’s death to her spirit’s broken key?

She had wanted to go with him. And she hadn’t been given the opportunity. 

Even though she knew deep down he’d never have wanted her along. And that stung. She’d fallen into a bitterness of ugliness that she tried so valiantly to hide. Yet ever since he’d walked back into her life, cracks appeared and steadily grew, no matter how she tried to hide behind her smile and cheer. No matter how she tried to pretend that things were the same.

She was supposed to be his best friend. Yet Happy got to go and she was left behind with a dismantled and broken guild.

I’m sorry…

She wanted so badly to say. And yet she couldn’t form the words. Her heart and her mind were on two different paths. She could never have known how ugly bitterness could be. 

Natsu looked away from her with a sigh, gaze staring unseeing at the few items on her desk type furniture.  
Of course she cries.

He stepped back, putting some space between them. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” That was why he was here. How had this become about him leaving?

Lucy tentatively touched her cheek, feeling the wetness, frustrated she scrubbed at her face, annoyed that she was crying. That she’d been unable to keep from shedding these blasted tears. 

“Why, Lucy?”

He sounded so plaintive that she thought he was also going to start crying. She dropped her hands way from her face, giving up the futile attempt of erasing the tears.

She looked at the side of his face, from the angle she could see with sudden clarity the dark marks under his one visible eye. He clearly hadn’t been sleeping well. In her anger she had chosen to ignore the signs.

What did that say about her?

Better yet – how had she missed it when he first walked in? Had she been so desperate to pretend things were normal that she deliberately unconsciously ignored the blatant sign? 

A loud boom rumbled; her apartment rattled. 

She shifted sideways catching a glimpse of the growing gray clouds outside the window and plopped down onto her bed, her hands clenching on her knees. 

She hadn’t wanted to face this…

They had all gone thru so much during the war, even before that with Tartaros. But Natsu – not only had he almost died they’d learned that he was E.N.D., a demon.

She couldn’t fathom how he had felt learning that. Couldn’t comprehend how he felt at learning that he’d died at like 4 years old as well as his parents, and the person responsible for the war was his older brother who had revived him but as a demon meant to bring chaos and destruction.

She couldn’t perceive the depths of his emotions learning that his very life was tied to a book. To her, it had been something of unimaginable sadness.

And if Zeref ever died or if the book was destroyed Natsu would die too. 

She could remember the horror and despair that had threatened to overwhelm her at the mere thought of Natsu just turning into light particles and fading away. 

She would always remember turning from Happy to look at Natsu as they made their way to the guild after he’d shown up with a tired grin and a badly burnt arm with other smaller injuries and almost coated in blood; to see nothing.  
She would forever be haunted by that.

She had really thought he was gone. That she had lost him forever. 

Before Zeref and the book, she could picture so easily Natsu laughing or telling a joke or picking a fight and suddenly stopping and fading away. 

And she’d have been unable to do a thing. And they’d all be left wondering why. They wouldn’t have even known why that had happened. And the thought will always terrify her. She was grateful at least that something like that could never happen now.

That Natsu couldn’t just up and disperse into the air and they’d all be left wondering why.

That was why… she had been unable to tell him. Why she had put it off. Why she had risked not saying anything. And she had talked herself into the knowledge that Natsu wouldn’t notice.

His life was still bound by a book.

Even though logically she knew there was no way Natsu wouldn’t eventually realize, if he ever gave the concept any kind of thought. 

“A part of me,” she whispered softly knowing Natsu’s enhanced hearing would pick up her words with ease, “never wanted to tell you. Part of me hoped that with the book gone, it wouldn’t seem possible.” 

Natsu turned his head to face her, though her head was slightly bowed, staring unseeing at the floor.

Natsu had wanted to believe that since the book was no longer physical; as he’d been told that it had faded away after Lucy had finished writing in it that it would mean he was no longer tied to it.

And if he was no longer bound to it - a part of it, then the demon part of him was gone. He’d wanted to hope, but hadn’t dared to.

“Why?” Lucy mumbled, “Because it’s sad. And I regret that I couldn’t change that.”

Natsu frowned, “the same?” 

Slowly Lucy raised her head, “the book - it still exists.” She halted briefly as Natsu tensed, “it’s a part of me.”

“What!?” He knew the book was gone, but still… 

“So if you die? I will too!?” The cage had merely transferred. Which was worse; Lucy wasn’t like Zeref. She’d die very easily.

Her face crumpled, tears she’d been holding at bay once again cascaded down like a raging waterfall. 

“It’s you Natsu! All of it; the book is what makes you, you! All I could do was become the author to the book. That way when Zeref died you wouldn’t go with him!” How could she of removed or destroyed the book? Yet kept Natsu as he is and alive? She just didn’t know.

Natsu’s breath hitched, his lips trembled. 

“I didn’t tell anyone!” Lucy sobbed, “Because a secret isn’t a secret if more than one person knows!” She brought her hands to her face, taking shuttering breaths. The best she could do was limiting the book as a physical copy…

Unlike Zeref, she wasn’t immortal or she should say super almost impossibly hard to kill. She hadn’t dared to tell a soul, not even her spirits. And though she did trust everyone in the guild and her spirits, she couldn’t take such a risk.

It was Natsu’s life after all.

“You should have told me.” Natsu uttered barely above the blundering noise she was making. “I should have learned this from you.”  
She blinked, something in his tone filling her with a sense of dread. His words alone were concerning.

“Natsu?”

He backed up and there was such a distance to his gaze that she was off the bed before she’d made the conscious choice. She stepped towards him, arms lifting up only to pause as he growled at her.

“What do you mean?” she uttered shakily, her hands fisted at her sides.

Natsu wanted to look away from that imploring red-rimmed gaze; he didn’t really owe her anything.

The only reason he knew for certain the book still existed was because…

It had been gradual, it started off with dreams. At first he couldn’t recall them, just a sense of wrongness and a stilted uneasiness. 

Then the whispers started. 

It only ever happened in his dreams, but even now if he strained to hear, he could swear he could hear the distorted voice.

It haunted him.

And the worse part – it was him.

A part of him; what if that demon part of him took over? It felt like his control, his sense of him was slipping.  
He’d thought not sleeping would help. 

It didn’t. 

It seemed even in the light of day… the nightmare followed.

Happy’s sage advice had been to face it. 

What would facing it do? He’d known he couldn’t run from it, wasn’t his way to begin with. Yet he’d wanted - needed to know what Lucy had to say.

He shook his head, reaching up to grip his scarf, willing it to ground him.

And not for the first time; wishing that Igneel had told him. He would forever wonder why the fire dragon chose not to.

“You’re supposed to be my best friend.” Natsu stated.

Lucy flinched hard. He wasn’t telling her… It was as if her silence had been momentous. The mere thought was chilling.

“Wh-what are you saying?” Lucy asked shakily, her hands clasping tightly before her chest. 

Natsu had felt betrayed. Still did. This wasn’t the kind of thing you kept quiet about.

Something like this he should have learned it from her. 

Not when he was in another country, curled up with Happy and hearing dark promises in his head.

“I – I can’t Lucy…” 

Lucky trembled in place; her eyes wide as she stared at the hurt in olive eyes and the solemn face brimming with so much anguish, something practically slamming into her face with awareness. 

Lucy…

He hadn’t called her Luce once since she’d opened the door. 

A sinking dread rose up, and tears burned her eyes again. 

“N-no,” she whispered. She felt ice cold, as if Gray had used his ice-make magic on her. 

Surely he wasn’t saying….

Natsu turned away from her quivering from, facing the door, hearing her breath stutter. 

“I’m sorry,” Natsu mumbled.

“Natsu!” Lucy stumbled towards him, hand reaching out; as if afraid he’d vanish before her very eyes. Dispersing like the book had in her very hands, “you can’t be serious!”

“Why!?” She cried in despair, when he grabbed the door handle. “How can you blame be for being hesitant over this!”

His head turned to the side, eyeing her. The distance between them had never been so large. She shook her head slowly, in denial.  
“I thought you were different.” He uttered.

She shook her head, Natsu blurred before her.

“We used to tell each other everything. When did we start keeping secrets?” Natsu queried.

Lucy stood there, panting, tears sliding down her cheeks like a river, a torrent with no sign of abating. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about Aquarius?” Natsu asked. He’d heard about it during the war. “Why was that something you couldn’t tell me?”

“You left!” Lucy screamed her hands fisted in fury.

Natsu nodded, “I meant when I came back.”

He eyed her flushed teary face, the way her lips trembled and her body shook. Then her eyes darted down.

Natsu pursed his lips, “I see.” 

Slowly Lucy lifted her gaze up, Natsu however was looking to the side, and “you resent me for leaving.” 

“I- I would of gone with you,” Lucy whispered brokenly. 

Natsu turned back towards her, not understanding how this had come to be.

How was leaving for a year to train – to deal; the cause of turmoil between them?

“I needed to be alone.” He frowned at the hitch in her breath.

“Happy got to go.” She sniffled. 

Why? Why couldn’t it have been me? She quietly despaired.

“That’s,” Natsu’s brows furrowed, “not the same.”

“It is.” She uttered, insistent. Happy was his male cat best friend, she was his best female friend. 

Natsu sighed, this wasn’t going anywhere. He felt like he was missing something and yet… 

“Lucy…” he trailed off, scrubbing a hand thru his hair. 

He felt just done.

Lucy couldn’t take it, “Why!?” she snapped furious anger exploding forth like a raging storm. “Why is my not telling you so damning!?”

Natsu met her furious glare with a steel frown, “a best friend would of told me; no matter what.” 

“S-so, what?” Her voice broke. “We can’t be best friends anymore?”

Silence settled. Natsu stared back at her sadly. It was better than the blankness or the indifference.

“Do you really want to throw away all these years of friendship?” Lucy queried softly, “Over not telling you one thing? Something that you were ignorant to before?”

Sharp as lighting Natsu growled, effectively stilling her running mouth. “Something like this should not have remained a secret from me! Yes, it once was – that has nothing to do with anything! A best friend, hell even a family member should of said something!”

He panted, blinking rapidly to prevent the glistening tears from shedding, “some things should not be kept secret. This?” He gestured vaguely, at what he couldn’t say, “It’s my very life, Lucy.”

She sniffled, working her mouth but he didn’t wait for her, “What if you got ill? Did you ever consider it might also affect me? And worse what if somehow it got out and people all over learned of it.” He clenched his free hand, “People with a vendetta against me would have gone thru you. They would hurt you to get to me.” He couldn’t bear the thought of something like that happening.

She merely stood there with wide eyes, hands frozen to her cheeks.

“Or they’d have simply killed you just to kill me.” Natsu finished with a rare harshness. 

Lucy whimpered.

“So long as you and the book were bound, it would never end.” Natsu stated. “It’s like you didn’t trust me with this.”

She felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She hadn’t ever realized the repercussions of keeping silent; not in that way. She’d thought if she didn’t tell a soul, it’d stay hidden; hopefully forever. 

Because she wasn’t stupid, she knew how much at risk she would be in if the knowledge ever got out. 

“I- I knew that,” she managed shakily, “If I never spoke of it, how then could anyone ever know?” As for trust, she wasn’t sure what to say to that. 

Natsu scoffed disbelieving, did he really have to point out that all sorts of magic were out there and anything was possible? Hell he and the other dragon slayers traveled thru time from a gate. Gone to another world connected by an Anima that had to be created by people to even do.

He looked away from her, towards the vanity. He wasn’t going to waste his breath.

He could forgive her, but he couldn’t forget.

“We can still be friends.”

She didn’t miss the absence of ‘best’.

It felt like a concession – an absolution. 

She didn’t want to be just friends.

Her lips trembled anew as she stared into that tan face, that usually beautiful grinning face. There was a wall there. Something impenetrable had surfaced with no cracks to even attempt to slither thru. It was disconcerting to see such a thing on a person like Natsu, who though quick to anger was the brightest person she knew. 

Natsu was a kind person. Rather than cut her off completely he was still willing to be friends. But it wouldn’t be the same. She wanted to say it was cruel but true cruelty would be acting as if she was a stranger. Only greeting her at times and interacting with her at arm’s length. 

How had it come to this?

She could see his mind was made up, and Natsu wasn’t the type of person to change his mind. She was sure – he’d come with this in mind.

He listened to her gasping breaths and irregular heart and made for the door.

“W-wait!”

She flung herself at him, Natsu not expecting the move jerked as her feather like weight struck him from behind. Her arms wrapped haphazardly around him. He felt her tears seep into his coat. 

He stilled, unsure. Instinctively he’d almost flung her grip off and yet he hesitated; because she was still Lucy…

Or maybe it was her tears. He’d always hated when she cried. Even now after all that had been said – he still despised them. He probably always would.

She was still family.

She pressed her face farther into his back, feeling the tension increase. He hadn’t shaken her off, her spirit rose a bit.

There was an underlining meaning here. There was something he hadn’t been willing to say; to tell her. 

Perhaps that was the root, if she could pluck that somehow…

She started with something she should have said earlier, “I’m sorry,” the words whispered brokenly but genuinely.

Natsu practically flinched at the words and she plowed on with a distinctive frenzy, “I’m sorry I was too scared to tell you!”  
She paused, inhaling his scent – fire and ash and spices? “That I made such an important decision that really wasn’t mine to make.” 

She heaved a breath, “I-”

“Are you?” Natsu interrupted borderline vehement.

Lucy swallowed tightly, “what?”

Natsu scowled, “sorry.”

She jerked, tempted to lean back but stayed firmly glued to his back, almost instantly shouting that she was but caught herself, and said calmly and deliberately “I am.” 

As evenly as she could added, “I’m not just saying it,” she stressed. Her lips kept brushing at the black fabric but she refused to move any farther, “I wouldn’t do that,” a quiet assurance stealing her tone.

Natsu’s eyes closed and he took a meditative breath, only for it to catch in his throat as her scent invaded his nose. 

She smelled like salt, vanilla – shampoo he figured but most of all she smelled like stars; like light.  
It was a scent he had grown to cherish. 

Her scent was soothing and typically brought him comfort. However it was currently drilling a cavity in him. It was quite the tug of war.

“Then why,” he uttered trying to understand “why hide it?”

“Because,” she paused, feeling the slight quivering and a light went off. She had never felt such a blonde moment before in her life. How could she be so stupid!?

“It doesn’t matter!” she yelled in horrified realization, earning a jolt from the pinkette and a confused grunt. With steely resolve she stated with utter indisputable certainty “the demon part of you,” she paused at the shocked gasp and knew she’d struck gold.

“It doesn’t matter that you are a demon Natsu! You’re still you!”

“Then why, “Natsu practically whimpered, “Why didn’t you tell me?” He grit his teeth and almost hissed out, “It’s as if you’re afraid of me.” He flung his arm up, searching blindly for his scarf and spat, “As –as if I’m a monster….”

So many times he’d been called that. By opponents, enemies, hell even a demon. The wooden flute one.

And he’d always been able to shrug it off, but for Lucy…

His best friend;

His…

He couldn’t handle it.

The devastation was too great.

She’d written herself the author of the book, it was as if she’d accepted the demon part. But by keeping silent, it was as if she’d realized he was a monster and thus hid the books existence. 

She was supposed to be different. 

Lucy felt shock encompass her, freezing her mouth; her mind a whirlwind of chaotic thoughts.

“You – you’re not,” she gasped out, a crippling sense of despondency shrouding her. 

Telling Natsu now didn’t make him believe…

Because by hiding it – it was as if she was shouting her fear for the world to see. She’d sent an apparently blatant message, “If I was afraid,” she trembled trailing off, her mouth quivering. She didn’t know what to say to fix this. 

I love you…

He pulled free from her tentative hold as the silence grew, such sorrow etched onto his face. 

She breathed erratically, desperately wishing for the words to magically come to her. 

A heart beat and Natsu resumed his aim for the door.

With hitching breath, “w-wait!” she stuttered. 

Lucy jerked a step forward as Natsu pulled the door open, her hand reaching out towards him, willing him to stop.

Natsu merely glanced at her, his expression now unreadable and slipped out into the hallway the door closing with a quiet click.  
Her heart beat painfully in her chest, her eyes wide in stupefied shock, devastation slowly crumpling her features. 

Her arm dropped. 

But I love you…

Why wasn’t that enough?

The sky opened up and poured. It sounded as if the very world was despairing with her; it was very apt. 

She dropped to the ground ignoring the sting in her knees at the action. She sat there blankly for a long moment, listening to the heavy rain.

A rumble shook the room, a flash of lightning brightened up the growing darkness. She shifted sideways and slammed her face into her pink comforter and howled.

It was her fault.

She had lost the one person who had always been there for her because of one lousy choice. 

A single moment had led to this. That bitterness she had let fester had clouded her thoughts to such a degree she’d made such a huge mistake.

She never thought it’d be like this…. She never, not once foresaw that Natsu would stop being her best friend.

On the other side of the door, Natsu listened with closed eyes to the blondes bawling. He reached up and gripped his precious scarf. He wanted so badly to go back in there and try and mend this rift.

But he was unsure how. 

And he didn’t think his heart could take it. 

He’d put up with Gray betraying him with the draganoid, he’d put up with people calling him stupid all the time; forgetting he had great hearing and could hear them. Not that it stopped them from saying it to his face.

He’d even put up with everyone accusing him of lying about Igneel being a dragon – for years at that; even Gray trying to kill him during the war. 

Lucy was supposed to be different. 

He felt betrayed; felt abandoned by someone he thought would always be there. That would always, no matter what support him.  
His heart couldn’t take it anymore.

He opened his eyes and forced himself to move. 

He didn’t look back.

~ End

**Author's Note:**

> In case it wasn’t clear, Lucy is in love with Natsu and resents that Natsu wouldn’t and didn’t take her with him in his serious time of need. But took Happy. 
> 
> It was the start of revelation for her – that she knew Natsu didn’t or couldn’t feel the same way for her. Honestly they should of talked before this
> 
> Though she does genuinely wish she could of done something more about the book, and didn’t keep the book situation a secret for malicious reasoning. 
> 
> She never thought that by not telling him he’d feel betrayed. (This idea simply stemmed from the 100 year quest.) 
> 
> And Natsu did love her, he just hadn’t realized it, still doesn’t. It was there, the cusp of realization but yea…
> 
> Had Natsu only realized it this wouldn’t have fallen this way, but finding out through the demon was terrible; hence this story. 
> 
> I almost made this a happy ending. Where she gets Natsu to realize she’s not afraid, doesn’t think of him as a monster and even confesses and he gets it… but when I first had this thought it was well not a happy ending. 
> 
> So though I thought of changing it despite my plans I felt committed to keeping it a non happy ending.


End file.
